3 times the charm... so they say

So if you’ve seen me lately you might have picked up the vibe that I have been stressed. Not your typical work/school stress, which I also have lingering around me but a different kind of stress. I don’t really have any secrets, at least not from the 3 or 4 people who actually read this so I will tell you why I haven’t been myself lately…

A friend of mine was just brutally murdered, a friend’s mom just died of a cancer they thought I had last summer, and someone I never wanted to see again just moved to Chicago and quite possibly my neighborhood. My home has suddenly become an uncomfortable and scary place. I can’t escape and I need to desperately.

The reality of the murder is something I just need to deal with. The person was not a close friend, thank god, but still someone who I connected with so it hurts just the same. I’m not really sure how to deal with such a thing. Death has always been very abstract for me. Not being someone who has family and although a close friend killed himself when I was a freshman in college I hadn’t seen him apart from a short shore leave in two years and so not seeing him was common. Grief is something no one and no experience has fully prepared me for and therefore I feel rather disconnected.

Cancer was my death sentence last summer. Reversed several times but the scars are still there. The knowledge of someone even remotely connected to me dying of such a diagnosis has scared me. I’m not afraid of death but I am afraid of dying. There’s a bona fide confession for you my dear readers.

Frankly there is nothing to say about the migration of a certain person I never wanted to see again to my home other than the feeling of violation it inflicts. The fact that when I walk down the street or walk into a bar or store I feel uncomfortable and violated at the possibility of seeing this person is my issue. I wish I could shake it. I wish I didn’t have to take inventory of the friends I could call for help if I was cornered with this person. I wish that Chicago was still my city and that this person had remained where I left them.

I will admit that sometimes I allow stress to seep into my veins and control me and it’s usually for the little things. Now that I have something real to deal with I struggle with the idea that friends think that I am a constant complainer. I don’t want to talk about it. I just want it all to go away.